Defensive why

Read through the list and see if any resonate with you:. If you have started to recognize defensiveness in yourself, you might be wondering why it started, what caused it, and what might be underlying it. Below are some of the typical causes or origins of being defensive:. In general, being defensive is usually the result of psychosocial causes rather than biological or chemical causes.

Now that you know about the signs of being defensive, you might also be wondering if there are different types of defensiveness. In fact, there are a number of different styles of being defensive. If you have a problem with becoming defensive, then you know that it can have a negative impact on your life.

Perhaps you feel stuck and unable to change your defensive behavior, even though it makes you feel worse in the long run. Below are some of the negative impacts that acting defensively can have on your life:. Are you wondering how to be less defensive? There are a number of strategies and coping techniques that you can employ to help you feel less defensive, which will result in you behaving in a less defensive way.

Below are some ideas to get you started on a path toward being less defensive. The first step to stopping your defensive behavior is to actually become aware of when it is happening. Instead, try to pay attention in the moment to how you are feeling and how you react to others. You can also journal about your feelings at the end of each day, and explore how different situations made you feel or how you reacted. The simple act of acknowledging that you feel hurt, worried, ashamed, fearful, or insecure can help to defuse the situation.

Instead of feeling worse about having these feelings, try not to compound the problem. Instead, acknowledge the feelings so that you do not become hyper focused on them. Instead, you can show yourself compassion for how you are feeling, and recognize that everyone feels this way from time to time. Is acting defensively lining up with how you want to be as a person? When you feel as though you are becoming defensive, how would the best version of yourself handle the situation?

Below are some ideas of actions that you could take that would prevent you from acting defensively in the future:. Do you have a good idea of when you are most likely to become defensive? The best thing that you can do is to make a list of the situations that are more likely to cause you to become defensive. Feeling caught off guard or surprised by someone can make it more likely that you will react defensively.

Therefore, if you can anticipate when it is more likely to happen, you can plan how to show compassion to yourself as well as how you would like to react. If there are specific issues or areas of your life about which you are more likely to become defensive, then it may be helpful to do things that make you feel more confident or boost your self esteem.

For example, if you feel badly when someone brings up your physical health, you might feel more confident if you already know that you are doing everything possible to be the healthiest version of yourself.

This could be particularly helpful if you are experiencing defensiveness in your relationship. In fact, you could even attend couples counseling to work on your communication as a couple. Instead of immediately reacting to your feelings of being hurt or feeling criticized, you could try taking responsibility for whatever part you might be responsible for in the situation.

I apologize. Reblogged this on cogitations: think twice before u click. Pingback: Defensiveness: kills relationships… — My Love [never ends], thus I am [poly]. Thank you so much for this great insight into defensiveness! I tried to ask him to look at my emotions behind the words, and I encourage him to ask himself what is it that I am really sing of him or need from him.

What are your thoughts? If at all possible, I would suggest you connect with a professional counselor or therapist to help you explore this further. As I mentioned in the article, people react defensively because they perceive they are threatened in some way. What could be threatening to your boyfriend? I cannot be certain though. Maria, you stated that your boyfriend gets defensive even when you use I statements. It being feelings and behaviors, etc. Only just what you are feeling.

I recognize that this reply is 3 years too late. They are overly sensitive, sometimes for no real reason at all but an overly inflated ego, not humble enough to take constructive criticism, or maybe even a perceived threat that may be only in their head, to the point where they accuse you of thinking and saying things you never even thought or said.

I agree that it can be emotionally draining to deal with defensive people. If we can find out what triggers their defensiveness then we can better understand how to relate to them in more positive ways. What if the trigger Is truth about themselves that they are not willing to admit because it wil all for change, or that they may not be seen in a positive light.

So, they twist and turn the truth saying you said something, or were thinking something you never were. Since when did these simple become mind readers? The defensive one is fine as long as you give them praise and stroke their ego, but as soon as issues become real and call for compromise or change, they shut down, tune you out, or even fall asleep. Even saying, baby.. These people are just too emotionally immature to handle the truth. Instead of making people studder over their words in attempts not to offend, they themselves just need to understand the human emotion behind what Is being said and suck it up m, acknowledge they play a role in their as well, and ask themselves, What can I do to make the situation better, instead of running away.

Now is not the time to shut down and go hide in a closet with your teddy bear! People will only agree to studder over their words and walk on eggshells for so long! Pingback: conflictions recoveryforeverblog. Pingback: Defensiveness and Conflict — Site Title.

Pingback: Reflections on science, defensive behavior — and Easter. Living on the Real World. I am seeing a man we shall call Andy and he gets very defensive when I ask where he works or lives or his daughters name. I feel abused in all of this.

Iv walked away. PS he then goes on to say his daughter and grand kids would be disappointed to know that he was discussing them behind his back. What is going on here. He gets angry at me. Rachel — Secrecy and defensiveness are huge red flags. He is always defensive. I approach as a question most is the time. Most of these questions r a results of his me me actions. I have been in a relationship for eight years which has just ended.

I am a very open person emotionally l wear my heart on my sleeve and l am not worried about being wrong and saying sorry. I can be defensive at times and very frustrated especially with my ex as he was so righteous and always had to be right all the time. He would never take responsibility for anything. He took it as an affront believing that l never agreed with him which was not the case. I was so exhausted with his defensive angry retort and trying to get my point across that our relationship became so toxic.

I could feel the distance between us growing. I knew there was no way back. I felt sad because l felt we did have a lot in common really.

But my nature is quite strong and it made him feel threatened l think. I believe he felt l became his persecuted in the end. Tell you the truth because he was always on his moral high ground maintaining that position of he is right l am wrong l did go all out to challenge him and make him feel as l did.

But really that was the wrong thing to do but l was exhausted by never being listened to. So the relationship is now dead and buried as l know that he will never change. He bears a grudge like you cannot believe, the resentment bitterness well he must be dying inside.

So l felt defeated by it all and he walked out. I have seen him since but nothing much changed so l have told him l want no more contact with him as l need to get on with my life.

But l am sad as l do have good memories too. Put it all down to experience and have some alone time and see what life brings me. It can be cathartic to forgive yourself and the other person for doing or not doing things that contributed to the downfall.

Thank you so much for sharing Sandy and thank you Randy for your guidance. Its not easy. I am looking to end the relationship because I believe I deserve better and I need to find myself again and heal too. I prayer and hope that I would have the opportunity to be with someone who I can grow with and feel free again to be truly me and most of all experience love in its purity.

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one going through this but am glad I can identify with someone who has been there and know that there is hope after the storm.. Thanks again. I left a comment when I first found this site June 24th. I really hope this post get published because I have been to share my testimony on how i got my lover back …. So much is going on right now….. Sensitive enough to feel the difference between surfaces that differ by just a single layer of molecules, a team of researchers has shown.

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When that rapport is established, gently tell the person that you have had a different experience and ask for permission to share that experience.

When you finish, ask them what they think about what you have shared. If they express no desire to understand your perspective, be patient, wait for another opportunity, and keep trying.

If you can get someone to share the reason behind their defensiveness, you will learn about the importance a person places on certain issues.

This will help you understand how to best address their real or perceived dangers. Stay calm. What to Do: If you must provide feedback to someone, do it privately. Provide data or examples of an issue that you need to resolve. Summarize your understanding to establish mutual clarity between you and the other person. Create a plan to address what results you would like to improve or change.

What to Do : If you are the person feeling embarrassed, then you will want to explore the source of your feelings. Understanding the triggers for your feelings will allow you to challenge the accuracy of your feelings. To do so, you will want to distinguish between reality and your assumptions.

When your assumptions have no basis in reality, then you must admit that your assumptions are just that—your assumptions. Assumptions with evidence will force you to challenge the accuracy of your feelings. If you notice that someone is embarrassed and is starting to become defensive, you might want to explore the situation and see if you can identify what they are thinking about themselves.

If you can do that, then you can counter any perceived assumptions with the facts. It is important to be supportive, honest, and sincere with anyone who may become embarrassed, whether you feel that embarrassment is justified or not. We will all become defensive at some time.